It seems that as the minutes tick by on the clock, that I get more and more stressed out. Some of the stress comes from things that are out of my control. Others are in my control and yet I can't seem to figure out how to wrangle them and get anything under control.
I need some semblance of balance in this crazy life and I can't figure it out. I had a job interview for a job I wasn't even considering. But during the interview, I was asked about my skills. I'm not certified in anything. But in the back of my head, I KNOW that if I want to move forward, that I need to take classes and get certified.
But HOW?!?!
How in the hell am I supposed to juggle a full time job (being away from home for 11 hours a day), work my second job (i.e., my non-profit that I am the sole provider for and falling very short), be a good parent to my two very small children (one not even being a year old yet!), and keeping everything on task at home (we wont' even talk about paying any attention to the husband which is a third job all on its own). I'm in the middle of TWO, count them, TWO remodels. I can't seem to get anyone to work on them. So now, the remodels are at a standstill until at least Wednesday. But they are shutting water off today, so now I get to wrangle two small kids into a camper the size of a teacup to take baths. Hopefully they leave the water on to the toilet. But that remodel story will be for another post.
I'm just trying to figure out how does a mom climb the corporate ladder and still be a good mom? Where's the line in the sand that I have to step over to make a name for myself and yet be there for my kids? What do I have to give up? I'm looking at giving up a couple of outside activities but that'll render me completely alone for relationships outside of work. I need those other relationships to keep my second job afloat. But if I give up those other activities, will that give me time to take a couple of classes to be certified? And is it really worth it?
I had my baby nine months ago and I'm heavier now than when I walked out of the hospital. I don't get enough sleep even when its' not my turn to get up with the baby. I forget that my daughter is still a baby. I am afraid I'm watching her grow up before my eyes and I just blinked. It's only been nine months and yet, people treat my life like I've had kids for a long time and that I don't have a baby, like they are teenagers. Where is my time to just play with my kids, my baby?
I'm frustrated at the world. I need more time and yet everyone has the same amount of time. I guess my goal is finding how to utilize my time to the maximum. I'm afraid that'll mean burning the candle at both ends.
I know some of my frustration is life in general and the other part is PMS at the moment. Yes, I think I actually have PMDD but it's never been diagnosed by a doctor. But that's for another post all on its own. I guess I'm just frustrated and exhausted. I hate having so many pieces up in the air. As my husband would say, my type A is hanging out.
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